Fail.

It's been over a week since I had that interview. The only criteria for when I'd hear back was "soon". Considering school starts in less than 20 days, I expected "soon" to be roundabouts the day after the interview. Maybe the next Monday. So I'm operating under the assumption that I didn't get it... it's almost easier to accept that. I suppose after a while one gets used to disappointment.

Hey, speaking of disappointment, I had to grovel to my dad for money again. Well, it was less "groveling" and more like "hyperventilating over the phone while sobbing after he asked if we needed money". And since I hung up with him, I go through these swings where I can't stop crying (for once in my life I hope that's hormonal). I feel like I failed. I have always had this fear of failure, which explains a lot of my lackluster performance during high school; if you don't try, you can't fail. I partly gave up my dream of being an actress because I was afraid I'd fail (and partly because they never cast my ass in squat)... what do you do when you give up the unattainable dreams of your childhood for something more realistic, and you can't even reach that? And I never thought I'd be the one to play the numbers game, but I'll be 30 in four months and this is NOT what my younger self envisioned for my 30 year old self: sitting on the couch in the dark blogging about how miserable I am half the time while trying to hide it from the rest of the world. Jebus, no wonder I'm having a breakdown.

And that "part time" tutor job, the ONLY FUCKING JOB I WAS ABLE TO GET REMOTELY IN MY FIELD is frustrating as hell, and I haven't even started it yet. I have been scheduled for 10 hours a week. Okay, part time is part time. However, when those 10 hours are broken up into 2 hour segments five days a week, we have a problem. I'm not even pissed that MWF starts at 8 am. What I'm pissed about is the five day a week thing. And of course it's scheduled so that subbing is out of the question... 8-10 am MWF, 2-4 TR. School has either already begun or is about to let out by then. What. The. Fuck.

So tomorrow I will call the interview lady and discover my fate; I will then feed some cats for a friend, call the tutor coordinator and hope for the best, take another friend's kids to the pool, and pretend none of this shit is eating away at my soul.

Pray. Pray hard.

It's been a challenging summer, to say the least. I estimate that I sent over 100 resumes out this year, only to receive three rejection letters. Three. Rejections. The rest of them didn't even call. I'm not expecting freakin' flowers or a candygram... it would just be nice to know where I stand.

It's actually surprising to me that we managed to survive this long minus reliable income. My husband has been temping for less than $10 an hour whenever he can get it, and I've had to swallow my pride a few times and hit my parents up for help (I HATE asking them for money; it's not that they won't/can't/don't help... it's that I'm 4 months shy of being 30 years old and I have to run to Daddy when times are tough. I thought by now grown-ups had their shit together...).

Hopefully, this will change, and soon. I had my first (and only) job interview this morning. And because everyone else I know works, I've spent the day numbing myself in front of the television because if I think about this, I'm pretty sure my head will explode. I actually think it went well. I actually think I have a shot at this, and that's because it's not a regular school. It's an alt-ed program dealing with the fringe students who aren't successful in traditional high schools. And it comes with a real, grown-up paycheck. We're not going to be living in a palace on my salary, but I can at least afford the rent on this crapshack without dipping into my parents' retirement fund...

Ah, insomnia...

Nothing's happening. I wish I had more to report, but that's about the gist of it. Unless there's a rush to fill positions in a few weeks, I have heard nothing new. And by this point, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be getting the whopping $64 a week in unemployment.

I *do* have an interview on Friday to be a tutor at the local community college. It's a 2 hour group interview to be a part-time tutor. They want to be able to "asses your problem solving skills". Because apparently having a teaching degree isn't proof enough that I can take a problem and solve it... which is the basis of fucking teaching.

I keep telling myself to stay positive... it's getting harder and harder.


EDIT- I got the job. They must love me.

As if it's not bad enough...

My sister has been unemployed since February. She just got yet another rejection after an interview she thought went well.

"You're qualified enough, but I don't feel that we got to know you well enough in the half hour interview and are concerned that your personality may not mesh with the staff."

SO CALL HER IN FOR ANOTHER, LONGER INTERVIEW, DOUCHEBAGS!!!

I hate hearing her cry...

CPS

Well, the largest city in a 150 mile radius just announced their school district is cutting 1,000 jobs. There goes THAT plan. I'm getting desperate, and it's only June 10th. We are -$65 in checking and alas, there was no substantial check in the mail from some distant, recently deceased relative.

Haven't I paid into this shit since I was 17?

Unemployment= $64 a week. That is, as long as they don't deny the claim on the basis that I'm a teacher and school's out for the summer.

So as long as I can keep my expenses under $150 a month, I'm all set....

Bitersweet..... but not really.

Though Friday was the last day of school, and subsequently my "last" day of work, going in today to finish up some grading was really just a matter of not doing it on Friday so I could get paid for one more day (hey, $100 is $100....). I'm sad now; not because I'm going to miss teaching there or because I've made so many friends and bonded with so many of the other teachers in the office, but because I will miss being able to buy shit. Like groceries. And rent.

I have one more paycheck coming my way. I have to wait two weeks before I get it because the district pays subs once a month. Part of me wants to take that money and blow it on a tattoo because that will make me feel better. Then I remember that I have an entire summer of NOTHING ahead of me and that money would be better put towards other things. Like groceries. Or rent...


Tomorrow I file for unemployment for the first time in my life. Wish me luck.